A lot of people
find the internet to be mankind’s finest invention. With the fortune of being
born in free wi-fi zones, kids don’t utter gibberish anymore; their first words
are reckoned legitimately in the digital space as YOLO and ROFL. If you have to
look up the meanings of these words, you were probably born in a cradle
destroyed by a bunch of T rexes. On the bright side, you should congratulate
yourself for surviving two world wars, our Prime Minister’s Teacher’s day
speech and those innumerable Bollywood films starring Anil Kapoor’s hairy
chest.
No, honestly you
are a blessed lot. It is because you were born in pre-digital era, you continue
to live longer and happier. Irrespective of what the dude, who just downloaded
the leaked pictures of Jenifer Lawrence, from his wi-fi enabled bathroom says, internet
is malicious in ways more than one. It corrupts you with information
hazardous to every living cell inside you. And I’m not even talking about KRK’s
tweets here.
Which by the way,
is harmless, compared to what the internet can do, if you accidentally google the two seemingly harmless words ‘cold’ and ‘symptomchecker’. If you’re
lucky, the search results will tell you that you have four years to prepare
for your funeral, as you may have contracted the Herpes Simplex Virus(HSV). It could be much worse, if you get carried away by the first word of the potential
life threatening disease.
To be born in the
digital age as a hypochondriac is equivalent of being born as Stephen Hawking
in real life. Or being offered a lead role in Woody Allen’s next film. I can’t
tell, if paralysis bites you first or depression. Either way, you are doomed
and don’t be surprised if the only words of consolation that make you feel
better come from that infant who just began talking.
It is courtesy
websites like, symptom checker, the receptionist at the emergency ward at
Hinduja hospital gives me that awkward face, usually reserved for successful
friends at college reunions. True story- this one time, I had gone to see my
ailing aunt, and the junior doctor called out my name from across the corridor.
As if that wasn't absurd enough, he walked up to me with a straight face and
said ‘how are you?’ like he genuinely meant it.
You know what else
happened to a digitally wired person like me. Overnight, I turned into a drug
addict. Despite, resisting narcotics faithfully for over twenty five years of
my life. Why you ask? Well, no person in his right mind, would wait for a
stomach infection to turn into a colon cancer. (Pro tip- Two meftal mixed
with lukewarm water works on your brain like a large gin and tonic*).
Before I even
realized, my shelf was stacked with medicines, bearing the shades of a
Raastasafarian flag. My friends started calling me a pill-popper. And with
hair, that on a good day looked like Bob Marley’s side burns, it only made
matters worse.
After having self
diagnosed myself with tuberculosis, Cardiomyopathy,and Cirrhosis all in a span of a year, I only have one thing to say to you
dear reader. Stay away, from this digital virus. It forces
you think that, you’re only a sneeze away from contracting ebola, and in case
it’s too late in the day, to reclaim your life, how about trolling KRK’s tweets
to make the last days, slightly, less insufferable.
*THIS STUNT
HAS BEEN PERFORMED EITHER BY PROFESSIONAL OR UNDER THE SUPERVISION OF PROFESSIONALS;
THE AUTHOr TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY OF ITS ILL EFFECTS. TRY AT YOUR OWN RISK.
